Heavy: The Anxiety of Always Carrying Extra

As a plus size woman I understand the anxiety of carrying extra physical weight as well emotional and mental weight.

There’s the concern of being likeable because you don’t look like society’s standard of likeability, then there’s the assumption that you sit around and eat all day, everyday and let’s not forget the fact that if you go to the gym that people assume you’ve never, EVER been to a gym. 🙄

I’ve spoken with many of my plus size clients about the microaggressions they’ve experienced in birthing spaces.

I can recall a nurse who thought she was whispering to another nurse say “Yeah, I don’t even know how we’re going to get her up if she wants an epidural. I don’t understand why we don’t have weight limits for epidurals because it’s literally dead weight.”

Y’all know I lost it, right?!

When they left my client said “Well, maybe I shouldn’t get the epidural so I can at least move myself if they need me to move.”

That statement was the beginning out her going from feeling empowered and in control of her birthing experiences to shrinking, as many plus size women do.

Shrinking to cringeworthy compliance that wasn’t even asked of her.

Shrinking to accommodate the meanness of nurses who don’t know how to pivot their care when necessary.

When I reminded her that she doesn’t have to compromise her comfort or adjust her decisions to appease anyone but herself she insisted on continuing this way.

Continuing to not ask for her fetal monitor to be adjusted because she didn’t want medical staff to have to maneuver around her love handles and her FUPA.

Continuing not to ask even me to pull her socks up as they rolled down around her ankles due to swelling because she didn’t want anyone to judge her swollen ankles.

Continuing to cry during cervical checks because she was embarrassed that her provider and nurses had to do a little maneuvering around her ample thighs.

The list could go on.

No matter how much I pleaded for the staff to stop and come back or how many affirmations I hurled her way, she wanted to keep shrinking.

We later talked about why she was so adamant about the compromise.

She had no words, just tears but I understood what she was saying.

See, when you’re plus sized, (sometimes) you try your best to be invisible though you’re quite literally easily seen.

It’s easy to fade to the background because you’re used to being somewhat invisible.

The weight is the invisibility cloak of sorts.

It forces you into compliance, a wheel of submission, if you will.

Don’t be too much of a headache because you’re already too much of a headache.

Does that make sense?

I know you’re probably thinking, just lose the weight.

It’s not even easier said than done.

It can and will be done.

But weight loss makes you vulnerable.

It forces you to peel back layers of hurt, brokenness and bottled up anger that you were never comfortable or free enough to expose.

That’s the space she was in.

The “I don’t want to be obese anymore but I’m afraid of what life will be like if I’m no longer here because I’m not ready to expose those wounds. “ space.

The “Let me not be too much of a headache because I’m already too much of a headache.” space.

She’s better now but still struggles with her body image.

Truth is, her world, the plus size world, is heavy and the anxiety of always carrying extra increases with each life milestone.

Supporting her made me expose my own wounds, my own tendencies to shrink.

Whew chile!

As my homegirl Brandie says, “Get us outta here!” 😂

I gotta get outta this space because it’s too muuuuch!

Y’all be mindful of stuff like this when supporting plus size birthing persons!

Luh yaw!

✌🏾💜