Sometimes I Cry

It was a Sunday morning and my client was in early labor.

I got to her around 7:45am and we labored, rested and labored some more into the afternoon.

She trusted her gut to get to the hospital before she entered active labor.

Before we left I had a feeling that she wouldn’t be sent home. I was hoping I was wrong but my heart said that my gut was correct.

We get there, she’s examined, 2cm, 50% effaced and -3 station, baby experiencing decels, she’s being admitted.

She labors all night into Monday morning and here is where the shit, in my mind, hit the fan.

There was a lot that lead up to this point: a foley bulb, low dose Pitocin, an epidural, catheter and some other stuff.

But Monday morning comes and baby’s heart beat is lost on the monitor for 5 minutes, Pitocin is stopped, contractions stopped, baby decels and is lost on the monitor for an additional 3 minutes.

In walks the attending physician and her residents explaining the need for a caesarean.

My client understands and decides to move forward but not before expressing her emotions.

She puts her right hand over her eyes and I know this means she’s crying or about to cry.

The attending and the residents literally stand there and watch her cry and continue to talk to her.

🗣STFU AND MOVE!

I yelled this in my head.

She needed to process that she has no choice but to have a caesarean and you’re still talking while she’s crying.

A resident hands her a paper towel as they continue to watch her cry. 🙄

They finally leave, her husband was standing to her right and I pull up the stool in the room and sit to her left.

I held her hand and let her cry. I told her she did the best she could, she had no control over this and she trusted her gut and made the best decision for herself and her baby.

She looked me in my eyes and nodded her head in agreement but I knew that wasn’t enough.

I told her to squeeze my hand and look in my eyes and I said “You didn’t fail.”

She cried harder.

I knew that was what she felt. I knew that was the thought flashing through her mind as she prepared for a caesarean.

It was the truth. It IS the truth. She didn’t fail. She did her absolute best. She did everything she could and she handled the entire situation gracefully. I learned that she has a ‘just do what you gotta do’ personality.

I stayed as long as I could. I let her husband know that he could call or text me whenever he needed to.

They rolled her back and I left.

Though I wanted to stay until they called him back I knew that he needed time to process and express his emotions however he needed to.

I fought tears on the way to the elevator. I sped my pace up to get to the parking garage that I hoped was empty. My chest felt like bricks were on top of it.

I made it to the parking garage and there was a guy getting out of his truck and heading for the elevators. I turned around to make sure he’d made it in.

I took my mask off, squatted, exhaled and let tears fall.

My chest still felt heavy. I often tell my clients to give their tears and their cries sound because it helps release the tension but here I was crying and I had no sound to give.

I had absolutely nothing.

I got to my car with the top of my shirt soaked and kept crying until I, again, had nothing left.

I don’t think I have a real reason why I cried other than I knew a caesarean was not at all what she wanted.

Maybe because I wondered if she was afraid and just hiding it or if her husband was afraid and hiding it.

Maybe because I felt like I’d failed though there was nothing any of us could do about the entire situation.

Maybe because I couldn’t stay.

Maybe because I was tired and my cycle came on so my emotions were all over the place.

I don’t know but sometimes I cry and this was a time that I absolutely needed to.

I keep replaying the entire 24+ hours I spent with them. I wouldn’t change any of it. It was in those hours that I got to know them beyond the surface and see them interact and laugh with and at and love on each other.

If they see this, because only they know their story: I’m so proud of you both. I love you and I appreciate you for allowing me to be part of the story and in the space. Watching your love was like listening to Coltrane’s ‘A Love Supreme’ on repeat; smooth and easy. I don’t doubt that your beautiful baby will be showered with love.

Aeryka ✌🏾💜